I sat down with my resident married guy, @Lawboychris and got a take on what Valentine’s Day means to men.
JENNY: What do men think of Valentine’s Day?
LAWBOYCHRIS: I have been married for 10 years, and Valentine’s Day is still a special time to express your love to your loving lover and be a little sappy and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to buy some extravagant gift. You can really bare your soul and let her know how much you love her and appreciate her.
JENNY: Awwww. That is so sweet.
LAWBOYCHRIS: I’m just kidding. It is, and has always been, either a bribe to continue to get some action you’re trying to get, a bribe to get some action you’re already getting or a test you have to pass to get some action that you haven’t gotten in a while.
JENNY: Now I’m sad.
LAWBOYCHRIS: Don’t be sad. It’s true, and we almost always come correct with the bribe or pass the test to allow both parties to enjoy the fruits of the Hallmark holiday.
JENNY: So what are you getting your wife for Valentine’s Day?
LAWBOYCHRIS: Obviously, she says that she doesn’t want any gifts, so this year I have made handwritten coupons on cut-out construction paper hearts for things that she really wants, like “Pedicure By Your Adoring Spouse” and “One Night of Watching Anything You Want to Watch on TV” and “One Hour Massage by Your Adoring Spouse.”
JENNY: Awww. That is so sweet … are you kidding again?
LAWBOYCHRIS: Absolutely. That would require forethought, and because I have external genitalia, I have none. Actually, I have asked for a Rolex for the past seven years and I’ve received those coupons with a caveat that if I lose any of them, they are irreplaceable. I think she finds them in my pocket on February 15th and immediately shreds them. Romantic, huh?
JENNY: She’s brilliant! What about when you were single, or dating? Did it mean something different?
LAWBOYCHRIS: For sure. Valentine’s Day used to mean breaking the bank on a gift for some girl out of your league that went to dinner with you once and let you smell her neck. For single people, it’s probably the most prime day to go out and find a one-nighter. Have you ever been to a couples-only resort? I have. Even if you are madly in love with the person you’re with, the amount of sappy ogling is enough to make the most faithful person want to stick their tongue down the nearest stranger, just to break up the inevitable monotony. Being out on the town on Valentine’s Day is like being at a couples’ resort. You see a handful of couples who are truly happy, and you see the other 95 percent of couples who look like they haven’t talked in six months and look uncomfortable being at a restaurant that isn’t Applebee’s and have nothing to say to each other.
JENNY: So having been on both sides of Valentine’s Day, what should a single girl do?
LAWBOYCHRIS: You have two options:
1) Go out with some guy who has been trying to court you on February 13th. Give it up on the first date, go window shopping on the first date and then ask to meet for a second date the next night. Jackpot.
2) Grab a group of single girls and hit the town on the night that most resembles the day before a giant meteor crashes into the earth and men and women are looking to sow their wild oats before the end of the world.
JENNY: Number two sounds more fun.
LAWBOYCHRIS: I think I have a condom from the 1990′s if you wanna borrow it.
