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The movie “The Hangover” had to be based on me and my sister’s true life experiences going out on the town. Every time we whoop whoop, come 2 a.m., I lose Jojo. Every time. Then I find myself repeating the same question over and over the rest of the evening, which is “Where is Jojo?” And whatever group we go out with, they always respond the same, with shoulder shrugs, half not caring and the other half too drunk to understand me.
I thought I would stay one step ahead of her this time and sit next to her as 2 a.m. was fast approaching us. We were in New Orleans at a Super Bowl party and trying to find Jojo in the bayou was not part of my agenda. I wanted to hit the after-parties and enjoy each others’ company. As I held onto her arm I felt confident that I had outsmarted her cyclical disappearing act. Then, in the blink of an eye, I noticed I was holding onto the arm of a stranger. Jojo was gone! Just like that. Either she had taken my hand off of her and placed it on the person next to her while I had my head turned, or she had shape-shifted into an Asian man. My sister is unbelievable. So, I gathered up the party posse and said, “Lets go, people. This party blows.” And like always, drunk people pretty much do whatever you tell them to do, so I put them all in our limo and called Jojo’s phone.
“Hello?” Jojo answers.
“Jojo, where are you?”
“Well, are you in a building or on the street?” I ask.
She responds, “I was in a building and then on the street and then in a building and now on the street.”
I ask, “Are you with anyone?”
“I dunno. Let me ask … hey is anyone with me?”
I then hear two men in the background saying yes.
She casually replies, “Yeah, I guess I’m with these guys but I have no idea who they are.”
“Can I talk to one of them?
A man’s voice says, “Hello.”
“Hi, I’m Jojo’s sister, can you tell me where you guys are?”
“Yeah, we are walking around Bourbon Street. Your sister is trying to get beads.”
It’s Mardi Gras in New Orleans so you can do the math on what it takes to get beads.
I scream, “What?! Oh no. OK, I’m coming for her. What building are you near?”
“Dunno. I see oyster shops,” he responds.
“Ok don’t move and don’t leave her sight. She disappears quickly.”
My limo heads to Bourbon Street and my party people are starting to get agitated that there is no liquor in the car and we are not at a party yet. The great thing about drunk people is they believe everything you tell them.
“Just chill out you guys, we are headed to a major after party.”
As we get near Bourbon Street I call Jojo’s phone.
“Ok, we are nearing Bourbon Street. So where exactly are you?”
“I’m not there anymore,” she says in her casual Jojo way.
“Where are you Jojo?”
“I’m getting on a boat right now. It’s headed to the Bahamas and I want to go to the Bahamas!”
“What??!!! Do NOT get on the boat Jojo! Let me talk to one of those guys you are with.”
“I’m alone. I lost those guys.”
“Jesus Christ! OK, pass the phone to someone!”
I hear some rustling and then hear a man’s voice. “Hello.”
“Hi, my sister is a little tipsy and I want to come get her. Can you tell me where she is?”
“We are at the pier getting onto a yacht going to the Bahamas.”
I shout to the driver, “Drive to the pier STAT!”
The party people begin shouting, “NOOOOOO!” I have to think of something quickly to calm them down and say, “HUGE yacht party!” They all began shouting “Woo hoo!!”
I continue my conversation with the stranger on the phone, “OK, listen, she can’t go to the Bahamas. She doesn’t even have her passport or anything besides the stained dressed she is wearing.”
“She actually does have her passport.”
I forgot. Jojo takes her passport instead of her driver’s license. She thinks driver’s licenses are harder to replace than passports.
“Who are you by the way?” I ask.
He replies, “I’m the captain of the boat.”
“OK, Captain, if my sister gets on the boat and you sail off, I will have you arrested for kidnapping.”
“She is the one demanding to go.”
“Put her back on the phone.”
I hear rustling of the phone and then we get disconnected.
I shout to the driver: “How long till we get to the pier?”
“About 10 minutes,” he replies.
“We don’t have ten minutes. Can you speed?”
My party people begin shouting, “Yeah hurry up driver. We want to PARTYYYYYY!”
I try Jojo’s cell again, and there is no answer.
Just as we are about to pull into the pier, we are stopped by railroad crossing lights and the sound of a train quickly approaching.
“Oh sh*t! “
The train moves past our car going about two miles an hour. I stick my head out of the child-proofed window opening to see how long the train is, and it looks like there is no end in sight. I can literally see the boats approximately fifty feet from us. I am desperately trying to get a glimpse in between train cars to see if I can spot Jojo.
I’m not kidding when I say 30 minutes went by and the train still had no end in sight. My party people are now almost sober and screaming at me. I decide to turn it into a bathroom break so we all get out of the car and do the girl squat while trying not to ruin our Louboutins.
When we get back in car and I try to call Jojo again.
She answers, “Hello?”
“Jojo, where are you?”
“Are you on the boat?”
“No, ‘cause you said you were coming for me.”
“Thank GOD! Well, we are here and the train’s caboose just went by so look for our car.”
As my driver pulls into the pier, all of my party people start shouting, “woo hooo!!”
Classic Jojo then says, “Oh, I left a while ago!”
“WHAT? Where are you now?”
I shout to the driver: “Turn around, we are not going here anymore!”
Party people start screaming, “ NOOOOOOOOO! WE ARE GOING TO THE YAGHT PARTY!”
I had to think of something quick, or I was going to be attacked by my own posse.
“They ran out of alcohol.”
“OH NOOOOOOOOOO!” scream the party people.
“Let’s go to the casino, you guys. There will be booze there.”
The party people then begin telling the driver to get to the casino as fast as possible.
I continue to talk to Jojo.
“Jojo, where are you?”
“I went to a strip club.”
“What? By yourself?”
“No I met these people somewhere and we went.”
“Are you still at strip club?”
“Where are you?”
“I have no idea.”
“Are you in a building?”
With that, my phone battery dies. And seeing that no one ever has a charger for an iPhone 5, I tell the driver to take me back to my hotel in a hurry.
The party people again scream, “NOOOOOOO!”
I have to think of something quick. “You need to drop me off at the hotel because I think I’m gonna be sick.”
With that, the car heads back to my hotel. I run into my room and plug in my cell. While waiting for it to come back to life, I pass out in my bed. When I open my eyes around noon, I run to my phone and see I have 27 messages from Jojo. They all say: “OPEN THE DOOR!”
I run to my front door and open it. Jojo is sleeping in my hallway with a sheet over her body like she is a corpse.
“Jojo!!” I pull the sheet off of her and she wakes up. “How long have you been out here?”
“For three hours. I’ve been sleeping on the floor but this guy kept coming over to me checking on me to see if I was alive, and it was annoying so I asked a housekeeper for a sheet so I could cover my body and face while I slept..”
I pick up Jojo and bring her into my room. We have five minutes to pack and head to the airport to make our flight. While we are dragging our suitcases with insane hangovers we hear a man’s voice say, “I’m glad you’re alive. I kept checking on you.”
Jojo and I watch the man walk past us. She giggles and says, “Thank you. I love your show by the way.”
Show?! I turn around to see if it’s anyone I know. He replies to Jojo, “Thanks.”
I almost fall over when I see who it is.
It’s Dr. freaking Oz!
Yes! That Dr. Oz! I can’t believe my eyes.
Jojo had no idea that he was the annoying guy checking on her.
When Dr. Oz shuts his hotel room door, Jojo and I fall onto the ground laughing. Tears are coming down our cheeks.
I can only imagine the look on Dr. Oz’s face while he contemplated what the hell he should do about the passed-out drunk lady in the hallway with a sheet over her body. Priceless!
Stay tuned for yet another “Where’s Jojo?” night coming soon. We do Vegas on Feb 9.
Main photo: Audrina Patridge, JoJo McCarthy, Jenny McCarthy, Kendra Wilkinson and Stephanie Pratt host the Tenth Annual Leather & Laces Super Bowl Party on February 1 | Erika Goldring~Getty Images