A reporter once asked me if I thought my date-night checklist was much different from a married girl’s date night checklist. So, I asked a married friend who I felt was somewhat similar to me to answer these questions. Her name is @SurferWife and she has been happily married for eight years.
Jenny, this is your first date with a hot guy. SurferWife, this is your monthly date night with your husband. Please answer the following questions as truthfully as possible:
What is your immediate reaction to being asked out on a date?
@SurferWife: Shock and then a tinge of sadness that I can’t wear my favorite yoga pants for 72 straight hours.
@JennyMcCarthy: I hope he’s interesting and smart so I don’t have to hide in the bathroom all night … again.
Do you have specific grooming habits?
@SurferWife: Heck, yes! This is a big night, so I’m shaving up to my knees, folks! Oh, but wait. If I shave that might mean I have to take a legit shower and do more than just freshen my ‘pits with wet wipes. Let me get back to you after I think this question through more carefully.
@JennyMcCarthy: I have to make a choice: shave or don’t let him see the goods. Depends on the alcohol and the ovulation schedule.
What does your outfit consist of?
@SurferWife: After I find the one bra that will keep my ta-ta’s off of my belly button, I also search for the one top without food stains. Which I don’t actually own. So, I usually choose the one with the applesauce smudge on the shoulder because my husband says it brings out my eyes.
@JennyMcCarthy: Is this guy worth a dry cleaning shirt?
Tell me about your heels:
@SurferWife: Oh. Was I supposed to remember how to walk in those?
@JennyMcCarthy: A higher heel makes it look like you care.
How long do you spend on your hair?
@SurferWife: Um, a ponytail takes me about 45 seconds. Why, how long does a ponytail take you?
@JennyMcCarthy: Sadly, a freaking hour.
What about makeup?
@SurferWife: Ok, look: I need to keep my man interested, so I am curling my eyelashes, ditching the Blistex for something stickier and applying bronzer to my face. He has this weird thing about wanting me to ‘look more feminine.’
@JennyMcCarthy: Sadly another hour. Part of the deception package.
Where do you hope he’ll take you?
@SurferWife: Hell, it can be Taco Bell if it means I don’t have to cook.
@JennyMcCarthy: Anywhere that sells oysters (except Red Lobster). I’ll take as much aphrodisiac help as I can get.
How do you expect this night to end?
@SurferWife: Hmmm, probably with a solid romp through the sheets. And by romp, I mean loud snoring and air biscuits.
@JennyMcCarthy: If he’s hot, a make-out session. If he’s lucky, first base. If he’s neither of those things … I’m crawling out the restaurant bathroom window … again.