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Once again I asked my friend @lawboychris for his male point of view on the matter. Here’s what “he said” to my “she said.”
JENNY: What stops guys from cheating? Breaking hearts or breaking their bank accounts in a divorce?
CHRIS: Listen, I have been in a fantastic relationship for 15 years. I am married to a beautiful woman who is the mother of my two beautiful children and we live in a beautiful house and we have a beautiful life.
JENNY: Sounds..um..beautiful. So what keeps you from cheating?
CHRIS: Don’t get me wrong, I looooooove 22-year-old cocktail waitresses. Every red-blooded American man does. Every dorky 30-, 40- or 50-something man knows that some of the most appealing girls are just a few hundred dollars away from being the transgression that breaks the seal of infidelity that can never be repaired.
JENNY: A few hundred dollars? Hmmm…so every girl is just a hooker?
CHRIS: Yes. But that isn’t the point. The minute that you’re on the fence whether or not to sleep with a guy and he springs for that purse you want and that tips the scales, you’re officially a hooker. The fact is that every guy has the ability and opportunity to destroy his relationship.
JENNY: You’re not Bradley Cooper, so how does that work?
CHRIS: Thanks. But it really doesn’t matter. If you have the right charisma or you find the right wounded bird, opportunity to stray is everywhere.
JENNY: So why do some men cheat and others don’t?
CHRIS: This is going to be on the internet, right?
JENNY: Of course not, we’re just talking.
CHRIS: Your fingers are crossed.
JENNY: I was itching my knuckle.
CHRIS: With your finger on the same hand? Never mind… Some guys have the perspective to evaluate the consequences of cheating and understand that the girl you could land would completely upend what is otherwise a relatively harmonious relationship with your loved one. Which, if caught, would rip the heart out of the person you hold most dearly.
JENNY: Is it all about the significant other or is there something personal that keeps men from cheating?
CHRIS: Cheating complicates everything that is otherwise easy about a relationship. It injects lying and a secret alternate life that invades all other aspects. After you cheat, you cannot look the other person in the eye without knowing there is a secret that you are keeping from the other person.
JENNY: Then why do men cheat?
CHRIS: For some men, it is a habit that they are not willing to give up. The guys I know that habitually cheat on their significant others sometimes do not even consider it cheating.
JENNY: What do you mean?
CHRIS: Some men don’t consider it cheating if they just have sex with some chick they pick up at a bar or a hooker or whatever. They consider it simply a physical outlet without emotional attachment. However, if you would ask their girlfriend or wife whether they consider their man rolling around kissing every inch of another woman cheating, I would bet that you would get a unanimous “yes.” Those guys go to remarkable (and usually not as covert as they think) measures to keep their secret liaisons away from where they think their significant others could discover it. That’s the beauty of a hooker vs. your wife’s drunk newly single girlfriend. The hooker is never going to call your wife and tell her that she feels sooooo guilty and is soooooo sorry that she slept with her husband.
JENNY: Chris Rock has said, “A man is only as faithful as his options.” Is that true?
CHRIS: Kind of. However, options are everywhere. You see the good looking guy at the office who ends up sleeping with the nasty receptionist just because she was there and she was willing, but the minute guys have a handful of bombshells throwing themselves at him, the opportunity to wander increases, and the cost/benefit analysis moves remarkably toward the “benefit” side of the equation and the “cost” fades toward inconsequential. Throw in a handful of drinks and only those of us with the most unbreakable constitutions can resist the temptations.
JENNY: Do you want to sleep with me?
CHRIS: Of course.
JENNY: Will you?
CHRIS: Knock it off.
JENNY: Do you think it’s cheating if a couple has an arrangement that they can play Twister with someone else?
CHRIS: I don’t think so. Everybody sets their own parameters. I have a buddy whose wife loses her mind if he looks at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Other buddies have rules prohibiting strip clubs, and others’ wives are OK with strip clubs but feel that lap dances are cheating. I mean, you might as well have a rule that you have to think about your spouse when masturbating. That type of garbage is a prime example of rules that are made to be broken. The bottom line is that cheating is all about what violates the rules that you and your partner establish. It is important that everyone knows what the rules are. I think that you should have to incorporate those rules into your wedding vows and make them public.
JENNY: I would certainly pay more attention than I normally do. What do you think my odds are of finding a loyal man to spend the rest of my life with?
CHRIS: 100%. Just let me write your vows.
JENNY: Ha, yeah right.