I had a conversation with my bed tonight. Being single and writing a blog every night you tend to let your imagination run wild. Here’s what my mattress had to say…
10. Please flip me. When you actually get lucky with a guy, it’s pretty obvious you sleep alone most of the time because he is rolling into the mattress dent you have created. It’s embarrassing!
9. Please buy me more than one outfit. You have one set of sheets yet you own 2,000 pair of shoes. Not fair!
8. When you leave the house, the dog dry-humps me. Please tell him I can only deal with one dry-humper in the family. Get him fixed.
7. I’m not gonna make myself. So do me a favor and get me dressed before you leave for work. What if YOU had to spend the day with your pants down? Wait … never mind.
6. You might want to look underneath me if you are missing something. Playing hide and seek is the only fun I get to have. So far I’m hiding one earring, two remote controls, one of Evan’s shoes and your “back massager.”
5. Tell Evan to stop drawing on me with marker. How would he like it if I wrote “mattress was here!” on his forehead?
4. Tell Evan’s friend Mikey that I’m not a trampoline. Next time I’m gonna make it hurt.
3. Bed bugs are real! If you don’t open your shades once in a while and air me out, I’m not the only one who is gonna be itching.
2. You snore, fart and talk in your sleep. Who said you’re not multi- talented?
1. Even though boys may come and go… I got your back, girl. Literally.
If your bed could talk to you, what would it say?