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If you ever want to get an honest opinion from a guy, find a married man who doesn’t want to have sex with you. Mine is @Lawboychris.
JENNY: What do men think about while having sex?
CHRIS: Well, it depends. If it’s a one-nighter or a girl you just met, you want to perform and make the experience memorable. Just the thought of being sexual with a new woman is enough to trigger an abrupt end to a passionate encounter. Therefore, we have to think about anything other than the actual act in which we are participating in order to be like a stud in bed. Golf is a traditional outlet. Some men (obviously not me) will have their favorite course memorized and go hole-by-hole to try and think about anything other than the beautiful, innocent glorious fawn we have in front of us. Oh … and if golf doesn’t work, we also think about Penny Marshall.
JENNY: [Laughs] Can’t you just enjoy the moment?
CHRIS: I could but then you won’t.
JENNY: Do you want to know what us girls think about during sex?
CHRIS: We don’t really care.
CHRIS: Well not if you’re thinking about another guy. Then I would be thinking about kicking his ass.
JENNY: Oooh that’s hot. OK, how can I get the act to last longer without having to wear a Penny Marshall mask to bed?
CHRIS: For those of us who do not have the stamina of an adult film star, a few drinks help numb things up.
JENNY: Is this the same approach men use with traditional marital monogamous sex?
CHRIS: Oh, in that case, you eventually want the act to end before midnight, or before the kids get up, or before “Walking Dead” starts or whatever. Therefore, sometimes you have to get the obligatory session in just so you don’t get hit with the “Are we having sex enough?” question. So sometimes you have to figure out a way to finish the job quicker.
JENNY: And how would a guy figure out how to “finish the job quicker?” Do you think about another woman?
CHRIS: Woman? Normally it is several women. And it usually isn’t anyone who resembles the woman underneath you, and who has been underneath you for two decades. Even if you were my wife Jenny McCarthy, I wouldn’t be fantasizing about your skinny ass with big cans. I’d be thinking about the hot barista at Starbucks.
CHRIS: I’m just saying, men are “grass is always greener on the other side” type of people. If I’m married to the petite blonde, I probably have to go with Snooki or Halle Berry or Charles Barkley or whoever is on the cover of my wife’s People magazine that week.
JENNY: Well, when I’m not fantasizing about my boyfriend’s best friend, I do tend to think about how much I’m falling in love with the guy that’s on top of me. I think women do have a tendency to get overly romantic during their lovemaking sessions. We envision our wedding, babies, cuddling …
CHRIS: … and THAT’S exactly when we lose erections.
JENNY: … and that’s exactly why I am hanging up. Love ya!
So, ladies, what we have learned today is that if your man is good in bed he is either drunk, in love with Penny Marshall or Charles Barkley is on the cover of this week’s People magazine.